Public Access 26

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Oh Thanksgiving…  No other “well meaning” holiday quite brings out my anger like you.  Founded on genocide, celebrated with unhealthy overeating, and forcing me to appease my family.. I can’t say that you’re my favorite holiday.

Instead of being a Grade A jerk, and ranting about the Native Americans, the importance of good eating habits, or how glad I am that I’m nowhere near my family at this time, I think I will instead take a trip to “Public Access 26.”  Nestled on the East Coast, where the skies are so perfect, it can make you cry, and the temperature is Goldilocks.  Not sweltering hot or brisk, but just right.  A light breeze picks up my hair and tosses it to the side like I’m a model posing for a photo shoot.  I lose my insecurities and suddenly feel alive with beauty.  My olive skin is soft and free of blemishes, absolutely kissable.  I smile my pretty little smile and flaunt my lightly colored patterned sundress.  I notice my curves and how my waist pulls in to create my petite hourglass.  I’m so thankful to be here and to feel the sand beneath my bare feet.

What wondrous beauty this beach has.  I’m reminded of the humbling might of the Earth and I revere the nature around me and the far away nature I’ve yet to see in my short life.  How lucky we are to live in such a place.  My face drops and suddenly my heart cries for the devastation that some humans have brought to our earth.  I cannot answer for them and their mistakes, but I can answer for myself and I will try to protect that which cannot protect itself.

I remind myself of the importance of not over extending myself.  I would save everyone and every animal if I could.  I would wrap up the planet into a warm blanket, hold it to my breast, and transfer all the pain onto myself.  I will take all your pain and suffering.  I will solve all your problems.  I will do all your crying for you, just please be happy and tell me thank you.  But, alas, these things are not feasible.  I am no god, and I can barely handle my own problems.  If I can bring myself to a good place, maybe then I can help in more profound ways.  Please wait on me world.  Invest in me and I will invest in you.  Just give me time.

I feel thankful now for my life.  How lucky I am to live past infancy and be able to experience from this buffet.  Thank you.

I send my eyes to the heavens then softly sit on the sand and watch the oceans waves passively roll in.  It’s a beautiful day on this beautiful Earth and the cosmos have granted me this single nicety to enjoy in this fleeting moment.  I can ask for no more than this.

Happy Thanksgiving.  Even if you are like me, and don’t necessarily enjoy this holiday, find your happy place and give thanks as often as possible, not just in the fall or winter.

Thank you for reading my humble little blog and I wish you luck on finding your inner peace, if just for one moment.

Yours,

Ze Tsarina

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My Pursuit of Graduate School Part 1

As it currently stands, this semester that is drawing to an end is my final complete semester of my undergraduate studies.  However, due to a really shitty academic adviser, I still have one class left to complete next semester.  While that was playing out, I was told that taking graduate courses, assuming that I was admitted to the graduate program at my school, was a possibility, assuming I minded my P’s and Q’s.  Which I have done to the best of my abilities.

This was all last year.  Now, it’s do or die.  And the fate of my future rests on what happens in the next few days to the next few weeks.  And I’m positively drowning in anxiety.

Here are my pros and cons as a prospective graduate student:

Cons

  • Low GPA.  We’re talking, barely scrapping a 3.0 here.
  • Completely absent social skills.
  • Low effective communication skills at times.
  • Not so good GRE score.
  • Let’s face it, I’m just weird!

Pros

  • Spectacular recommendations.
  • Enthusiasm for chemistry and learning in general.
  • Very determined.
  • Strict adherence to lab technique and etiquette.

So I’m not exactly first string, but then again, I would consider myself a viable candidate.  Oh, I forgot to mention, I also had a minority tuition scholarship from the American Chemical Society (which I’m also a member of).  Brownie points?  Minority being, I’m Hispanic, or, as I prefer, I’m “brown.”  Apparently there aren’t many Hispanic, African American or Native American chemists in the United States at this time.

The current state of affairs is this.  My application for the graduate chemistry program at my university is completed, but it’s not fully submitted because one of my professors is playing drag ass, and hasn’t submitted my recommendation yet.  And it’s past the deadline for completion.  I asked my recommender about the issue, to which he keeps assuring me it’s not a problem, but I’m not thoroughly convinced that it is.  This may mean that my chances of being accepted are already a big fat zero.  I guess I really have no way of knowing though until maybe the end of the year.

I can feel the blood surging through my veins, elevating the pressure.  The pit of my stomach is lost in a flurry sickness, nerves, stress and uncertainty.  My mind is frazzled and unfocused.  Every muscle is taunt.  My jaw is hopeless clenched like a case of lockjaw.  As far as an outward appearances go, I look like anyone else.  Calm, unmoving, normal.  Yet a terrible storm rages inside and I’m so scared; lacking any direction.

This is how I feel when anxiety hits and sets in.  It’s not a good state and it can cause me to do irrational things.

I’ll try to calm myself and see what all I’m capable of doing to put things back on path or at least get some answers of some kind.  I find the best solution to times like this is to try to fix the issue that is causing the problem, and to wear myself out with exercise.  These things usually work for me.

Wish me luck!

Your Fabulously Silly Tsarina

 

Let’s get this road on the show!

I never considered myself the “blogging type” and only in my worst nightmares did I ever set one up and yet here I am.  Oh joy.

Perhaps I should begin this with a few words on myself.  I’m currently an senior undergraduate chemistry student at a Southern university on the East Coast.  I’ve been married for a few years to a very awesome man who, to be sickeningly cliched, is my “other half” (okay, even I threw up a little on that one), and I’m private enough that I don’t want to give away my identity.

Since I was a child, I have struggled with severe anxiety and depression.   Anxiety so debilitating that it manifests into physical illness and depression so deep that I no longer wanted to live.  My mind can go to dark places sometimes.  But I combat it with a strict exercise regiment and a reasonably healthy diet.  I’ve had some extremely bad experiences with medication in my past, so that is sort of a last ditch effort if need be, but thankfully my self imposed therapy seems to be doing the trick at this time.

For some time I have wanted to share my experiences and thoughts with a bigger and more public audience than just my husband.  I have moments when I desperately want to tell someone a thought or idea, but realize that there is no one to tell who either has time or cares.  I guess that’s where this fledgling blog steps in.  [blog enters stage left]

My intentions for Ze Tsarina is simple.  I will come here and confess my thoughts and ideas insofar as chemistry, biology, technology, trivia, life, philosophy, etc. are concerned (and trust me, my mind never shuts off, so there will always be ammunition) and I will gab about my struggles being a petite young woman with some mental health issues trying to become the chemist she has always dreamed of being.. and knows she is capable of achieving!

Wish me luck!

Your fabulous and over the top science minded friend,

Ze Tsarina