As it currently stands, this semester that is drawing to an end is my final complete semester of my undergraduate studies. However, due to a really shitty academic adviser, I still have one class left to complete next semester. While that was playing out, I was told that taking graduate courses, assuming that I was admitted to the graduate program at my school, was a possibility, assuming I minded my P’s and Q’s. Which I have done to the best of my abilities.
This was all last year. Now, it’s do or die. And the fate of my future rests on what happens in the next few days to the next few weeks. And I’m positively drowning in anxiety.
Here are my pros and cons as a prospective graduate student:
- Low GPA. We’re talking, barely scrapping a 3.0 here.
- Completely absent social skills.
- Low effective communication skills at times.
- Not so good GRE score.
- Let’s face it, I’m just weird!
- Spectacular recommendations.
- Enthusiasm for chemistry and learning in general.
- Very determined.
- Strict adherence to lab technique and etiquette.
So I’m not exactly first string, but then again, I would consider myself a viable candidate. Oh, I forgot to mention, I also had a minority tuition scholarship from the American Chemical Society (which I’m also a member of). Brownie points? Minority being, I’m Hispanic, or, as I prefer, I’m “brown.” Apparently there aren’t many Hispanic, African American or Native American chemists in the United States at this time.
The current state of affairs is this. My application for the graduate chemistry program at my university is completed, but it’s not fully submitted because one of my professors is playing drag ass, and hasn’t submitted my recommendation yet. And it’s past the deadline for completion. I asked my recommender about the issue, to which he keeps assuring me it’s not a problem, but I’m not thoroughly convinced that it is. This may mean that my chances of being accepted are already a big fat zero. I guess I really have no way of knowing though until maybe the end of the year.
I can feel the blood surging through my veins, elevating the pressure. The pit of my stomach is lost in a flurry sickness, nerves, stress and uncertainty. My mind is frazzled and unfocused. Every muscle is taunt. My jaw is hopeless clenched like a case of lockjaw. As far as an outward appearances go, I look like anyone else. Calm, unmoving, normal. Yet a terrible storm rages inside and I’m so scared; lacking any direction.
This is how I feel when anxiety hits and sets in. It’s not a good state and it can cause me to do irrational things.
I’ll try to calm myself and see what all I’m capable of doing to put things back on path or at least get some answers of some kind. I find the best solution to times like this is to try to fix the issue that is causing the problem, and to wear myself out with exercise. These things usually work for me.
Wish me luck!
Your Fabulously Silly Tsarina