My Pursuit of Graduate School Part 2

I feel as though it has been ages since I last posted, but final exams roared through (So engrossed was I that rent had accidentally gone unpaid!  A first for this creature of excellent credit habits).  This was immediately followed by my graduation ceremony which was utterly surreal.  Since I am still one class away from my official undergraduate degree, the full effects of graduation were lost on me.  Oh well, it was nice anyway I suppose.  Finally, after much delay, I am able to return to my keyboard once more!  “Yippee!” *spoken like Irritating Small Child Anakin Skywalker*

So here is the situation, as played out by many tense stomachs, clenched jaws, and embarrassing flatulence on my part.  (Anxiety.  It’s just a bitch.)  Despite my application being one month late and without the final recommendation, I was able to play email tag with the graduate program coordinator and he told me that he would give it his full consideration!  This is such welcome news, and realistically, all I can ask for.  Now I just sit and wait on that letter in the mail.  My future will unfold from there.

I should be celebrating and utterly overjoyed at all of these wonderful things, yet I can’t help but feel weighed down by other considerations.  First of all, my final grades for the semester were dismal and brought down my already floundering GPA.  Usually I try not to sweat it, it is what it is, but I’m so disheartened that despite my valiant attempts for high achievement this semester, that nothing much came of it.  I accomplished copious amounts of studying, I did not sit on my ass the entire semester.  I just don’t know what happened there…  and I feel upset about it.  Every time I think of my final grades for this term, a dark sickness stirs at the pit of my stomach.  As if there is a real potential for vomit if I dwell on it enough.  Eh, I should just repeat my mantra, “it is what it is,” and think of kitties and other cute animals.  Seems to work well enough.

Secondly, after going through all the jumps and hoops to finally make it to graduate school, and obsessively researching every angle so as to be as prepared as possible for what is to come (my MO), I have come to realize something.  I am completely terrified of the prospect of graduate school.  With my anxiety, this is not unordinary, but it’s still a big hurdle I will need to pass if I wish to actually make it.  For the past four years, it’s all I have been seeking.  And I love chemistry and lab work so much, I know it would be a good fit.  But the prospects of playing nice, teaching undergraduate lab, achieving those perfect grades and not being an awkward mess sounds so daunting, I just don’t know if I can hack it.  In the end, I bet will force myself into it, shaking and resisting to the very end.  I assume I will thank myself later for it.

After I receive the ultimate news from this application, I have Plans B, C, and D lined up and ready to go.  I have this next and final semester to enact them and see how those will pan out.  And if everything utterly falls apart, I guess there is always this “housewife” gig I have going on.  But I think I would rather be one of those kids with a four year degree and flipping burgers full time rather than to resort to that.

Time is on my side and it’s just more of the waiting game at this point!  I’m so happy to have made it this far with such good fortune, but we’ll see where life takes me from here.

Yours,

Ze Tsarina

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