Beauty Within the Pain

I can tell when I am depressed by how beautiful I view sadness and pain.

When I look at despair and see a sort of intrinsic beauty, I can tell the chemical balance in my brain is skewed. In the way that Rain Clouds like to wallow in their misery, I do so too by seeing the torture as a piece of art. Colored in every shade of blue. Heavy lines. Powerful in its emotional depth. You experience it all like an exquisite painting you connect with. It’s a whole other level. And in its intense meaning, you feel the beauty. And so that’s how I view sadness and pain. With admiration. With awe.

But certainly this is not the case when my brain is experiencing optimal chemical balance. When I am fine, I view suffering with pity. Ah, the afflicted. Try many things and try hard. Maybe then you can feel better again like me. Until then, I’m sorry.

And in this differing viewpoints I can distinguish my mental state. Even if there aren’t many or any other ways.

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Relationships are Not Physics

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These relationship/love problems, they arise from within. They always do. And here I am, laying things down to rest. A final analysis, if you will.

I have discovered that I am attracted to the “beautifully broken.” Deeply sad souls who I see myself in. I hate the way I feel, I hate the cracks I idly trace with my fingers. If I could take it all away, I would. And when I see these people, people in need the way I am, I want to help. I want to do anything I can. No one deserves to feel like that.

And I help. And I have this fantasy that just in the way I helped them, they will help me. And repair my wounds, love me in the most profound way, and we can live a fulfilled life built on gratitude. Happiness, security, loved.

This is a fallacy though. Yes, I know that I am a White Knight until the bitter end, championing the good fight, trying to spread good will to all. This is just a fact. But I can’t expect to run into this soul who will fulfil me like I have never been before. Who will pick me up when I’m down. Who will make me soup when I’m sick.

And maybe I’m that person to someone else.. who gives them everything they could want and more.. but relationships are not elastic. I don’t just get back whatever I put in.

The fact is, the only person looking out for me… is me. And this I learned long ago, when I struck out on my own, determined to make a life for myself of my own design. No one is going to swoop down and rescue me from my pit of despair. It is only me who must crawl out of the pit on my own and champion myself.

It would be great if there were these rescuers who saved you and then fell in love like a good old romance novel. But this is simply fiction. 

Never forget this bold strong woman.

A Final Act

She confessed her sins in her head because she didn’t believe in a god. The only master of her destiny was herself. She typed sweet nothings to a person who may be a figment of her imagination. The man she signed her body to made her sick when he touched her. It wasn’t his fault, but her feelings for him were gone and she wanted so badly to spread her wings and fly away. She had a plan. A sinister plan. This plan would not fail. It wasn’t a scream for attention. It was an act of mercy to her hurting soul. A release from anymore haunting pain she kept inside. She didn’t want to leave a note. It wasn’t some grandiose final act. But she did want to tell those left behind that she was sorry. Sorry for disappointing them. Sorry for leaving them with pain. It wasn’t their fault. She just wasn’t strong enough. She couldn’t do it though. She thought of her beloved ones and she couldn’t stand their sadness. She lived for them. Her life was no longer hers. Her life was theirs. She didn’t mean enough to herself. But they meant everything to her. Enough for her to trek onto another day. Enough to keep fighting the good fight. Maybe one day, when her damaged heart was healed, she would thank them. Thank them for being to her what she could not be to herself. What no one else could be. For loving her the way no one else loved her. She decided she would love as much as she could and as many people as possible. Others needed to feel that sunlight too. Maybe they would need it the way she needed it now. Maybe her quiet act of love would be the deciding factor that kept them around. Again, her life would be given to the service of others. Everyone was welcome to a piece of her. Everyone but herself.

My Pursuit of Graduate School Part 5

I perhaps have never been so pleased to be able to write on the subject of my graduate school prospects for I have good tidings to share!  After applying to six different schools, I have received word back from five thus far and the response has been shockingly good!  I am truly humbled by it.  My tally is 2 no’s and 3 yes’s!  What grand miracle it is!  Once I hear back from the final school I will weigh out my options and decide on where I plan on attending. 

I must first bestow thanks to a professor of mine who assisted me in the application process because as with anything else, I was bumbling about like a fool and was in desperate need of some guidance.  Allow me to gush for a moment.

So my professor is probably one of the coolest people on the planet.  How cliched, a student who completely loves their professor, what shall I say next, that exams are hard and life as a student is financially difficult?  Such stunning revelations!  Sarcasm aside, I am very much in debt to him and his help (which he had no obligation to give) was really the difference between me attending graduate school and me not continuing my education.  In addition to being insanely smart and accomplished in his field, he’s just cool to hang out with and I genuinely like him solely as a person.  Definitely in my top ten favorite people.  Okay, I will stop gushing already and finish with the fact that I can finalize this blog series at this post thanks to him, for I have at last accomplished that which I so fiercely set out to do.

This post is dedicated to you, Unnamed Chemistry Professor of Utter Awesome.  The world works because of people like you. 

And to my Blog Reader Friends, may your day be as good as mine has been, and may all of your efforts come to fruition!  Apparently there isn’t anything a little hard work can’t achieve. 

Yours Always,

ze Tsarina

 

And She’s Back! ….From Outer Space!

I apologize for my long absence, but I promised myself I wouldn’t write again until I was feeling much better about my status and my life.  So my husband has been gone for approximately 3 months now and I am back to cooking and cleaning regularly (a general indicator of my mental health status).  I have a part time job teaching a science summer camp for children which I find to be very rewarding.  I have been keeping myself busy with all manner of things and I am holding up really well.  Thank you for your patience and I will be back to publishing more content soon! 

 

Yours,

ze Tsarina

“Hello Darkness, My Old Friend.”

I never intended to reveal that I am a military spouse, but I came home yesterday to the most devastating news.  He’s going to deploy again.  This time to Afghanistan.  Shock waves of pain shuddered inside of me and my whole world suddenly lost meaning.  What a life it is being a military spouse, where such bombshells are normal and expected to be obediently tolerated and accepted.

I have exams and reports due this week.  My car is in the shop.  And next month, my husband will be leave for six months and everything as I know it will fade to gray and quickly enter my peripheral vision.  Everything I have accomplished for the past two years, insofar as my mental health and it’s delicate stability, is deteriorating under my feet.  I will attempt to crawl from this dark place of mine, but it will likely be a slow process.

He is my best friend and the one who taught me what happiness is really like.  He is truly my rock and during meditation, my visions of inner peace are of him.

Forgive my somber tone.  Tomorrow is another day.  And assuredly it has the potential to be so much brighter.

Thanks,

Ze Tsarina